If Only In My Dreams
by Little Leaf of the Redwoods
Summary: Deadliest Catch story - just a quick one shot Christmas story as a mini-sequel/side story to "Knots." No spoilers for that story, but follows the same story line. Nothing offensive. Just fluff, family and love.


**Just a little Christmas one shot that occurs chronologically after the summer of "Knots." No spoilers for that story will be revealed in this one, so don't worry – just some family fluff, a little sadness and lots of love.**

December 1984

Edgar had been bouncing off the walls for the past two weeks and driving Norman crazy. The kid was typically excited around this time of year, but this year was beyond the normal. Sig was expected home from the King Crab fishing season any time now and Edgar was getting more worked up with each passing day. He was having trouble concentrating in school, which was nothing new, and his grades started to plummet. But all the kid could think about was his big brother walking through the back door of the kitchen and the giant bear hug waiting for him that was going to last at least five minutes.

As things had turned out, dad decided to retire from fishing altogether after the past summer, partly forced into retirement by his health issues and partly because he was now a single parent raising two teenage boys. This unexpected retirement left an empty chair in the wheelhouse of the F/V Northwestern and an anxious first-born son that was more than ready to step up the plate. Dad's only advice to his oldest son before he took over the boat was, "Don't call me and tell me how horrible the storms are, just bring the boat home." Dad did hire a temporary captain to train his oldest on his first trip since Sig still had a lot to learn and could better learn it from the co-captain's chair then from behind to wheel itself.

Norman was trying to survive his senior year of high school, maintain decent grades for his college scholarship, keep up his part-time job at the hardware store and spend time with his friends and girlfriend. Despite it all, Norman ALWAYS found time for his younger brother. Edgar had been a mess for weeks when Sig left in September. Although Norman expected it, the devastation the kid went through was well beyond anyone's expectation and, in reality, was gut wrenching to watch.

Edgar cried for days and, when that stopped, the nightmares started. Norman stayed with his brother most of that first week, fearful the kid was going to die from heartbreak. It was like Edgar lost his mother again, although this time, the loss was only temporary; at least that's what Norman told himself. He wasn't a fool, though. Every time their father had walked out that door carrying his duffel bag, all his sons knew there was always the change he'd never walk back in the door again. Now, it was Sig walking out the door with his duffel bag and the fears were just the same and just as intense. Edgar really struggled to overcome the loss and his fears that first month. Norman just kept reminding him that everything would be ok and that Sig would be home before he knew it. Norman wasn't just telling Edgar this, he was telling himself too. He never let Edgar see it, but Norman had cried himself to sleep several times those first weeks, too.

* * *

Sig had been able to call home several times in the past three months and each time the phone call would take the same path and outcome. When he'd call, Sig would insist on speaking with his father first, if the Old Man was around. Dad was starting to spend a lot of time hanging out with the retired fishermen crowd, which happened to include a widow about his age and he wasn't home very much. If he was home when Sig called, Dad would go through the usual questions, like the amount of crab caught, where Sig was fishing and the offload numbers. Dad would then grumble about the lack of progress the boat was making. Sig tried not to let himself be hurt by the insinuated criticism. He knew it was hard for his dad to let go of thirty years of doing things his way. Then, dad would grumble a gruff "love ya", hand the phone over to Norman and leave the kitchen to retreat to his bedroom upstairs. Dad was also spending a lot of time sleeping since he retired, like he was catching up on years of missed sleep.

Sig would then speak with his younger brother about school and his girlfriend, other stuff too, like college and the future. Norman didn't ask a thing about fishing or the boat because somehow that brought a round of guilt he wasn't prepared to deal with. Somewhere inside, Norman couldn't help feeling like he should be preparing to be with his brother at the end of the year but that was not going to happen because that was not in Norman's long-term plans. Norman desperately wanted to share with his older brother that he was planning on asking Amanda to marry him after high school graduation but Edgar was always bouncing around the phone, afraid that the connection would be cut off before it was his turn, and Norman wasn't about to work the kid all up with that kind of news just yet, especially with Sig gone. Then, Sig would ask Norm for an update on Edgar's schoolwork and behavior. Norman would sugar-coat his answers, telling Sig the kid was trying hard and doing the best he could. Sig knew this wasn't the full truth but there was never enough time to really talk about things when you're sitting on a pay phone booth in Alaska with a line of fishermen behind you waiting their turn, so he had to let Norman's brushed-over answers stand unchallenged.

Edgar would be close to having a seizure by the time he got to talk to his oldest brother. Sig would grill Edgar on the importance of working hard at his school work and staying out of trouble. Edgar would listen and answer respectfully that he was trying his best and not cutting his classes, often with an occasional "yes, sir" if dad wasn't around to be insulted by the use of the word towards someone other than him. Then Edgar would cry silently, a few tears slipping out, when Sig would tell him how much he missed him and loved him. Edgar didn't want his brother to know he was crying so he'd try and hide it in his new, every now and then squeaky voice. Sig knew anyway. Edgar would then beg his brother to be safe and not to take unnecessary risks. Sig explained being out in the Bering Sea at all was an unnecessary risk but that he was being careful and quickly learning everything he needed to know, some of which he'd share with Edgar when he got back home. Edgar wanted to hear all of it but Sig just laughed and said no true fisherman ever shares ALL his secrets. Then he'd sadly tell Edgar he had to go and his heart would break when the kid would whisper, "I love you so much" and hang up the phone before he broke down crying.

Norman would wait in the kitchen, not going too far and would be there to hold his little brother as he wept out his tears. Edgar would muffle the sobs in his brother's chest so that dad wouldn't hear them. Norman would rub his back gently, remind him again that everything would be ok and encompass his brother in his big arms for as long as it took for the storm to pass. Edgar would usually be a mess for the next day or two, then he would force himself to recover and try to go on with his life. This was how it was going to be for a long time to come and Edgar knew he'd have to get use to it somehow. He would try and focus on school but it was difficult for him and his grades were barely passing. Norman tried to help Edgar as much as possible but it was hard to find the time between everything else. Now with Christmas approaching, a whole new set of emotions took over the house.

* * *

Around the time Sig was scheduled to come home, a massive snowstorm hit Dutch Harbor and all of Alaska and his flight was delayed multiple times. Edgar was barely making the wait and the delays so Norman started pulling out all of the Christmas decorations from the storage space in the garage. Dad purchased a large Christmas tree and put it up in the living room. The smell of pine was invigorating, but for Edgar, it was just a reminder that the holiday was fast approaching and it was looking less and less likely his brother would make it home in time.

Norman tried to get his little brother to help him decorate the Christmas tree because looking at the bare tree was making Norman more depressed then not having a tree at all.

"No, not yet, Norman" Edgar said quietly. Edgar didn't want to say out loud that it was hard enough putting up the decorations for Halloween without Sig because he didn't want to hurt Norman's feelings. But Edgar sure as hell wasn't putting up the Christmas tree decorations without him, no matter what. Even if his oldest brother didn't get home till New Year's Day, Edgar was not decorating the tree without all of what was left of his family safe, sound and home.

'It's getting late, kid. Christmas is three days away. Maybe just the lights outside? What do you think?" Norman said encouragingly. "Maybe he'll see them from Alaska" Norman whispered in Edgar's ear, referring to their oldest brother's cancelled flight, as he gently put his arm around Edgar, pulled him in close and squeezed his shoulders.

Edgar shrugged sadly but nodded his agreement. Sig would probably like to see something Christmas-like when he came home, when ever that would be. Norman and Edgar got the lights hung up on the front of the house. Norman could tell Edgar's heart wasn't in it and he was on cruise control for this Christmas, just doing what he had too and not thinking about the meaning of what he was doing. Edgar hung the lights on the outside trees and around the outside of the house, Norman did the wiring and electrical end of the process. It was close to sunset when they were done so Norman fired up the lights and they both stood back, admiring their work. The house looked beautiful, at least on the outside and it started to snow lightly over Seattle.

* * *

Edgar went to bed that night but not before saying a prayer that his oldest brother would make it home before Christmas Eve. It was a selfish pray, Edgar thought, because _I should just be thanking God he is safe and coming home at all. _Edgar tossed and turned for a long time, finally falling asleep dreaming about dark waters, starless nights and loneliness.

Sometime in the middle of the night, Edgar felt the weight of someone sitting down on the edge of his bed. He figured it was Norman, just checking on him like he had done countless times since Sig left, so he didn't open his eyes or roll over on his back. He just lay on his belly; his hands tucked firmly under his pillow and pretended to be sleeping. He didn't feel like talking to Norman right now because he'd break down crying. His oldest brother would never make it home in time for Christmas and Edgar was about to lose faith.

It wasn't until this person started gently stroking his shaggy brown hair with a callous hand that Edgar realized he might actually be dreaming so he remained still and quiet. It was a wonderful dream because he could feel his oldest brother's love surrounding him, keeping him safe and warm. He could almost smell Sig's aftershave the dream was so real and Edgar never wanted to wake up.

It wasn't until this person leaned over and whispered softly into his ear, in a voice that was unmistakable, "Merry Christmas, kid" that Edgar clearly knew he wasn't dreaming.

The hug actually last a full SIX minutes. To this day, it was the best hug Sig ever got.


End file.
